Rosie the Riveter

I love Rosie the Riveter.  She's an awesome famous depiction of a strong woman working with her hands and openly stepping out of her gender role.  Rosie is a depiction of the amazing women who stepped up to fill factory jobs during WWII.  They did work that was typically done by men.  They made ammunition and war supplies and served our country from home.  They were awesome and kick ass.  But when the war was over and our soldiers came home, they were expected to quit and go back home.  Some of them didn't and that was an awesome step for feminism.  Those women are definitely feminist icons.  But they are only the beginning of women's contributions to our national defense.

Today I went to a presentation by a fellow law school student and friend of mine.  She is active duty (army) and has served our country overseas.  She's amazing.   She is also a feminist icon, whether she knows it or not.  She was giving a presentation on the effects of DOMA on a post DADT military.  It was really good and interesting.  If anyone is interested I would be happy to send out her powerpoint to you, just let me know. During her presentation she made a sort of side comment about the recent repeal of the combat exclusion of women.  It got me thinking.

I fully support including women in every facet of our military.  The combat exclusion of women was stupid.  It kept women from jobs that they wanted and were qualified for based only on their gender.  Its repeal was a great feminist victory.  Our country has finally officially recognized that women are just as capable of contributing to our national defense as men and that we are capable of doing so in the same ways.  This is great! Wonderful! Fantastic!  

There's still one problem: the draft.  Women now have access to any position in the military (that they qualify for) should they choose to join.  But we can't be drafted.  Now granted, we haven't used the draft in a very long time.  And I'm glad about that.  But young men still have to register for it.  They are still subject to it.  We have a system that requires all American men to sign up for this lottery system that could be used to send them to war and possibly death.  But women, we don't have to sign up for this.  Why?  Because we are women.  Isn't this what feminist are always screaming about?  Distinctions made along gender lines with regard to issues that have nothing to do with gender?  Our federal government, by repealing the combat exclusion of women, has made it clear that when it comes to the ability to fight and serve our country gender is irrelevant.  So why are we still discriminating based on gender?  It is unacceptable.  Drafting men but not women tells the men of our country that their lives are worth less than mine just because they are men.  That is not a message I'm okay with.  The men I love, my dad, cousins, boyfriend, and friends, do not deserve to have the value of their lives discounted.  It's been a long road.  We've come a long way since Rosie but we're not at the end of the journey yet.  To achieve complete gender equality in the US military we need to include women in the draft.  

Deal Breakers

1. Educated.
2. Wants kids
3. Is okay with all of those kids being adopted
4. Feminist, even if he doesn't use that word for it
5. Pro Choice
6. Pro LGBT rights
7. Patient
8. Has a viable plan for his career and is working towards it
9. Not super religious
10. Is okay with me not being religious at all
11. Dog person
12. Affectionate
13. Can't be overly close with their parents, like to the point where they interfere with his life and/or our relationship.
14. No drugs!

I'm sure I'll think of some more later...

Lay Off T-Swift. Please.

Today, Jezebel had a short little snippet of Bazaar's interview with Taylor Swift in which she admits that she likes to be in a passive role in romantic relationships.  She said, " If I feel too much like I'm wearing the pants, I start to feel uncomfortable and then we break up."  In this particular article, Jezebel doesn't go after her too hard about this.  But they, and other feminist writers, have in the past.  Taylor Swift wears lots of dresses, sings sappy love songs and she likes to be submissive.  Cue feminist meltdown.

And you know what?  I think it's bullshit.  Feminism is about getting to be whoever you damn well please regardless of gender.  If someone was telling her she had to be soft and submissive because she has a vagina, I'd be mad.  But how is it any less oppressive to tell her she isn't allowed to be those things because she's a woman?  I'm not claiming T-Swift is a feminist icon or anything.  I have problems with some of her lyrics.  BUT she gets to be who wants to be.  If she wants her boyfriend to be more dominant in her relationships, that is her business.  As long as she doesn't go around demanding that all women be like her just because they are women, it's fine.  So lay off her for crying out loud.

Egg Update: The Evil Wand of Pain

As I have talked about before, I am an egg donor.  I just finished up my screening process last week.  I had two doctors appointments last week.  Both at 7:30am for which I had to get up at 6:00am.  Not fun.  The first appointment, on Monday, was an ultrasound appointment.  I got there a few minutes early, signed in and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  I waited 45 minutes for them to call me.  Now I know that doctors offices get backed up.  I understand that things happen.  But I had the first appointment of the day.  Or so I thought.  Apparently they don't limit the number of appointments they make at 7:30.  So there were a ton of people there.  I have a class that starts at 9:10 and I thought that to get to class on time I probably needed to leave around 8:30.  So I was antsy.

Around 8:15 they finally called me back.  They did apologize for making me wait and explained that a pregnant patient had had an emergency that morning that caused the delay.  So then, of course, I felt like a jerk for being so impatient.  So I'm trying to be extra nice and cooperative and the nurse tells me I need to go pee (actually she said "empty your bladder"  but that sounds weird, like my bladder is a suitcase or something).  She also tells me that if I have in a tampon, I need to take it out.  I thought that was a little weird since I thought they were just looking at my ovaries, but whatever.  I'm not a doctor, what do I know?  So I just followed her instructions and got settled.  Then the ultrasound technician came in and took out this big scary stick.  Seriously, huge.  She then informed me that this ultrasound was going to be transvaginal.  WHAT!!!!????  No one warned me about this.  I was not pleased.  I told her as much.  She told me that my coordinator was supposed to explain all of it to me.  But the technician took the time to tell me about what she was going to do and why.  She said she needed to check the lining of my uterus, to make sure everything down there was healthy, and then she needed to count the egg follicles in each ovary to ensure that I am fertile enough to donate.  I calmed down a little bit and she started the ultrasound.  At first it was fine.  It was a little bit uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn't handle.  Then she started to look at my ovaries.  It was awful.  She was jabbing me in the side of the uterus at this horrible angle.  The angle of entry of the wand was killing my poor little vagina and cervix.  And she was literally using the wand to shove the side of my uterus up against my ovaries.  It felt like there was an alien being trapped in my body trying to stab its way out.  Horrible.  The next day I had to put in my new Nuva Ring and it was so painful I teared up.  My cervix and vagina were sore and swollen from the ultrasound.

On Wednesday, I had my second appointment, this time for a physical examination with the doctor.  I again waited 45 minutes to be called back.  This time I was given no explanation for why it had taken so long.  The nurse took me to an exam room and gave me the horrible paper clothes to wear.  I changed into said horrible paper clothes and waited.  Another 15 minutes.  15 minutes sitting in a cold air conditioned room wearing nothing but a paper vest (if you can even call it that) with a sheet over my lap.  I was miserable.  I finally saw the doctor at 8:30, a full hour after my appointment time.  The exam was quick and painless.  They asked some health history questions and checked me over.  It think this visit was mostly for the doctor to see me.  I imagine I need the approval of an actual doctor to be an egg donor and this was the first time I'd met her (I applied in April).  Then they made me watch a video about the possible side effects of egg donation.  I was glad at first to watch this video.  If I'm going to do this, I want to know what I'm getting myself into.  But the video was designed for women who were having their eggs harvested, fertilized and then reimplanted.  Since I'm only doing the first half of that, I have no idea how much of it applies to me and how much is from the pregnancy itself.  I was taking notes and whatnot so I could ask questions when it was over.  They had also given me a release form to sign which said that I had watched the video and asked any questions that I had.  This confirmed my understanding that I was going to get to ask questions.  When the video was over, I signed the paper and opened the door like I had been instructed to do.  One of the women who works the front desk came and got my form and told me I could leave.  I tried to ask questions and she told me she didn't know any of the answers.  So I left.

At this point, I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing.  I really do want to do this.  I want to help (and I need the money if I'm going to be honest).  I also know that all the things that are frustrating me are not the fault of the individuals or couples seeking to have children who would benefit from my donation.  And when you get right down to it, I'm giving them my eggs, not the clinic.  But I really feel like the clinic is struggling.  It always takes them much longer than promised to return my calls (Example: After my last appointment I was promised a follow up call in "a couple of days" a couple, as in two.  It's been a week and half, still no call).  I wait ridiculous amounts of time at every appointment.  And, the big one, they are not getting informed consent from me because they aren't informing me.  I did not consent to a transvaginal ultrasound until seconds before because no one told me it was necessary.  My consent form is useless because no one actually answered my questions.  I am planning to call my coordinator soon and insist on talking to a doctor or nurse who can answer my questions about side effects.  To do this I have to get shot full of hormones and put under for an extraction proceedure; I think it is reasonable for me to want to talk to someone about that beforehand.  Even so, I am willing to do this.  I am giving a stranger a part of my body.  Maybe I'm wrong here, but I think that's a pretty big deal.  All I want is a little respect during the process.  Respect for my time and respect for my body.  Is that so much to ask?

Defining Feminism

I ordered a great shirt today.  An awesome friend from Wofford posted a picture of it on her facebook (I'm not going to name her here because I didn't ask her permission).  As soon as she told me where to get it, I ordered it.  Here it is:

The quote on this shirt is from Cheris Kramarae.

I love this shirt.  I also definitely think this, treating women like full members of society, is at least part of what feminism is about.  But if I was asked to define feminism, this isn't what I would say.  This got me thinking about what feminism is.  So I looked into some definitions.  Most definitions talk about a movement or a struggle that seeks to help women gain equality to men.  I understand why that is.  I understand that feminism began at a time when women didn't have some of the most basic rights that were afford to men.  I get the historical context.  First wave, second wave, radical, liberal, all of that.  I know about that.  But I think we need a new definition.

Feminist scholar and author bell hooks examines the question of how to define feminism in the second chapter of her book Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center.  The chapter is called "Feminism: A Movement to End Sexist Oppression."  She criticizes the standard definition because she says that it is a definition formed at a time when the movement was composed almost entirely of rich white women.  Since rich white women were the movement, they defined it, and in so doing they excluded the concerns and voices of women of color and women in lower socioeconomic classes.  She calls for a redefinition.  She says "Feminism is the struggle to end sexist oppression.  Its aim is not to benefit solely any specific group of women, any particular race or class of women.  It does not privilege women over men.  It has the power to transform in a meaningful way all of our lives."  I really like her definition.  I like its inclusiveness.  I also like that she points out that we don't want to overpower men.

bell hooks also has a book called Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics.  It is utterly fantastic.  (It's also pretty short and an easy read.  I own it if anyone would like to borrow it.)  I think that this book title is the best definition that I have come across.  Feminism is for everyone.  For all races, socioeconomic levels.  All sexual identities and orientations.  For men and women.  Feminism is not about lifting women up above men.  It's not even just about lifting women up to be equal to men (although that's part of it).  It's also about lifting men up where they are disadvantaged by their gender.  It's about making it safe for men to show emotion.  It's about changing a military system that requires our young men to register for a draft, but not our young women.  Think about that.  What does that say?  I think it tells those young men that their lives are worth less than mine, that they are disposable.  That's unacceptable.  I'm just as angry about that as I am about the pay gap.

I could talk about what I think feminism is for hours.  Seriously.  So I have had a really hard time trying to come up with a concise definition, but here is my try:  Feminism is a social and political movement that seeks to ensure that no person is restrained by gender bias or stereotyping from being themselves or from achieving all that they are capable of achieving.  Feminism is about destroying the boxes that patriarchy forces us into so that all people can move freely in all spheres of being, doing and expressing.

Maybe that's not a good definition.  And I know that a lot of feminist won't like that I have taken the focus off of women.  Let me make it clear why I did that.  I included men because as long as the dialogue about feminism stays in these gendered terms, it remains a struggle of "us" against "them."  It remains a fight.  But feminism really is for everybody.  I think if we can reframe this discussion, not in completely genderless terms, but in terms that are more inclusive, we can move from a fight to collaboration.

I would love to hear from some of y'all about this.  What is your feminism?  How would you define it?  Also, if any of you are interested in reading further about this topic, I have several books on it that you are welcome to borrow.  Or if anyone has any reading suggestions for me, please share.

In Defense of Greek Life

Over the weekend, I went to the gym (shocker, I know).  On my way in, I passed a group of women who I assume, based on their dress and proximity to the Greek village, were on their way to Sorority Rush.  The greek women of The University of South Carolina have been out in force, wearing their letters and repping their respective sororities like champs since the start of classes.  It makes me miss my sorority.  I know that some of you are thinking, "She's greek?  But she's so feminist and liberal.  I thought sororities were hazing-ridden trophy wife training grounds."

Look, I know that horrible things happen in greek organizations.  They also happen within sports organizations, student groups and classrooms.  Hazing sucks.  It's an evil, mean spirited cycle of hate and violence.  I support efforts by schools, universities and the legislature to stamp it out.  But I get so frustrated when people insist that hazing defines the greek experience.  I hate it when articles talk about greek women like we're all idiots for enduring hazing.  First, not all greek women experience hazing and assuming that your experience (or the experience of someone you know or read about) can be extrapolated to all of us is exceedingly unfair.  Second, even in the case of members of greek organizations who have experienced hazing, what makes you think it is your place to judge them?  The psychology of abuse is incredibly complex.  So please try not to judge others or look down on them for not leaving violent or oppressive situations.  You don't know what you would do in their shoes until you have actually been in their shoes.  Again, let me say here that I know everyone has different life experiences and thus every sorority woman and fraternity man will experience greek life differently.  I want to make it clear that I do not presume to speak for anyone but myself.

Because of the hazing issue, some articles I have read have come right out and said that being a greek woman and being a feminist are mutually exclusive. Apparently I can't be both.  But I am.  (I've decided this makes me a mythical creature of some sort, like an elf or a centuar.  I did always want to be Galadriel.)  So I call bullshit.  I'm a feminist (a radical feminist according to a survey we took in my feminist philosophy class).  I'm also a Delta Delta Delta.  I cannot and will not give up or compromise either of these identities.  So to help people understand this, I want to talk about some of the things that I learned from my sorority.

Things Tridelta Taught Me:

1. My opinion is valuable.  And the opinions of others are equally valuable.  Decision making processes that allow everyone to give input lead to the most agreeable and mutually beneficial results.

2. St. Jude Children's Research Hospital is seriously awesome.  Tridelta's philanthropy is children's cancer charities so in addition to volunteering at and donating to local pediatric oncology hospitals and programs, we had a partnership with St. Jude.  St. Jude is a research hospital so it is a last resort for some children who have conditions that are very hard to treat.  They NEVER turn a patient away due to inability to pay.  Tridelta has done some really awesome stuff at the hospital, raising 10 million dollars in our 10 in 10 initiative so quickly that we changed it to 10 by 10 (aka 2010).  It took only 6 (or 7?  I'm not 100% sure) years instead of the hoped for 10 to raise 10 million dollars.  I'm so proud to have been a part of that effort and relationship.

3. Always look for common ground.  Since I graduated from college I have come across fellow Tridelts in lots of place.  A law school classmate, a friend's girlfriend, someone in my group exercise class.  Most of these women were people I wouldn't have met, wouldn't have talked to, if we hadn't found out that we were both tridelts.  But I have often ended up finding that we had much more in common than our love for triangles.  When you give people an opportunity, when you open up, people will surprise you.

4.  Shirts with frockets are far superior to their frocketless counterparts.  This is simply fact.   (Frocket = front pockets or frat pockets depending on who you ask.)

5. I am strong.  Women are strong.  We do not need men to lead us, to teach us, to organize us.  We can do it on our own.  In this group of women, run entirely by women, we got shit done.  I don't just mean we planned parties.  We mediated disputes between members, we planned charity fundraisers, we competed in intramural sports, we generally kicked ass.  We supported one another through marriages, dating, break ups, pregnancy scares and abortions, stressful classes, graduate school and job choices, parent's divorces, deaths of family and friends and many many other major life changes and struggles.  This is a big one for me, especially when I am confronted with people who assert that sororities are "unfeminist."  

I was a member of the Gamma Psi chapter of Delta Delta Delta.  Sometimes it was frustrating, or annoying.  Sometimes I didn't want to go to chapter and sometimes I thought the leadership made bad decisions.  But overall, I think I came out of the experience a better and stronger person.  I also think that being a sorority woman made me more of a feminist, not less.   I'm not saying greek life is right for everyone.  I'm not saying that awful things don't happen within the greek system.  But I am saying, emphatically so, that I am a radical feminist greek woman and I'm here to stay.  

Legalize Gay

Recently, I went to D.C. to visit the wonderful Samantha Dahl.  I could tell you about the trip, but then I'd have to kill you.  Seriously.  But that isn't the subject of this post.  While I was there, Brittany, John, and I visited the Human Rights Campaign store.  It was pretty awesome.  For those of you not familiar with HRC, they are a LGBT rights organization.  The yellow equal sign inside a blue square is their symbol.  They had flags, shirts, bags, watches, bracelets, pins and pens, all sorts of stuff.  While I was there, I bought this awesome bag:

I am completely obsessed with it.  Since I got back from D.C. I have been carrying it around with my purse and a library book or two in it.

Those of you who know me well already know where I stand on the issue of gay rights but here it is for the rest of you.  I think that this movement is the civil rights movement of our generation.  I want to practice civil rights law when I graduate, ideally for Lambda Legal, the ACLU or South Carolina Equality.  But even if I don't get hired by any of those organizations, this is what I want to do with my life.  This struggle for equality, for love, is my calling.  I feel strange using the phrase "my calling" because of its religious connotations but no other words express how strongly I feel about this.  I think it is what I am meant to do and I won't be fulfilled doing anything else.  I simply can't sit and watch this battle, I have to be involved.

Now back to the bag...  Since I have been carrying my Legalize Gay bag, I have left it at home more than once because I didn't want to have to deal with people's reactions to it.  Thursday I went to dinner with my mom.  My parents are very very conservative evangelical christians.  They barely know me at this point in my life because it's just easier to not tell them things than to get the "You're going to hell" lecture.  I haven't told them what kind of law I want to practice because I know they would be disappointed but that won't change my mind.  If I tell them now I'll have to deal with their disappointment and their efforts to change my mind/save my immortal soul for the next few years.  Now once I am actually a lawyer I'll absolutely tell them but for now it's just easier to omit it.  That has been my general theory with my parents on a lot of things in my life (sex, drinking, the whole not going to church thing) and it has worked fine thus far.  On Friday, I took the bag to the Strom (USC's student gym).  While I was walking around the track between lunge sets, I kept looking over to where I had left it.  I wasn't terribly worried about it being stolen, I was more worried that someone would vandalize it or something.  Yesterday I babysat for my cousin's two little ones.  I traded my stuff over into a Tridelta tote before I went to get them because I didn't want to have to talk to my aunt and uncle about it.  I went to Skyline (a line dancing club in West Columbia) last night and left it behind.  Usually, I would just bring a small purse to Skyline but it was raining when we left so I wanted to bring an umbrella too.  I saw the bag on my bed and almost grabbed it so I could carry both things together but I stopped myself.  I was worried that someone would see it and try to bother me or mess with it.

So I have left my bag behind three times and one other time I have been concerned about its well being.  I've owned it for less than a week.  This whole thing has made me very conscious of the privilege of being straight in our hetero-normative society.  While I consider my dedication to the LGBT rights movement as a very important part of who I am, it is not nearly as basic as my sexuality.  I go out with my boyfriend to bars, restaurants, the grocery store, wherever and I don't have to worry about the kind of reactions we'll get.  I get to be proud of him, to show him off.  I was always aware of this privilege somewhere in my little brain, but this one week of "Should I bring the gay bag or not?" has made that knowledge so much more real to me.  LGBT individuals don't get to leave their sexual or gender identity at home.  For them it is more a question of "Should I hide who I am?  Is it safe to be me here?" and that fucking pisses me off.  They don't always get to show off their awesome significant others or even themselves.

My experiences this week have also made me wonder if I should be more honest with my parents about who I am.  To understand the extent to which this would hurt my parents, you need to understand what they expect of me.  They want me to be a good christian girl.  There are lots of definitions out there of what makes a good christian, I don't mean to say that the one I am about to put forth is right or wrong, it is just what my parents believe.  They want me to believe in God and Jesus his son.  They want me to accept Jesus as my personal savior.  They want me to not drink, smoke or cuss at all.  Also, no drugs.  They want me to go to church at least once a week.  They want me to wait until marriage (to a good christian man) to have sex.  They want me to take a passive and submissive role in my dating and marriage relationships as the bible says is appropriate for women.  They want me to be a conservative, pro-life republican who opposes LGBT marriage and rights.  I am almost* none of those things.  So when I say "I support LGBT rights" my parents will hear "I'm an unsaved sinner who is going to hell."  My mother will be devastated and my dad will be livid.  But is it fair, to them and to me, to not tell them?  Am I essentially lying by not telling them these things?

I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do but when I do, I'll let y'all know.

*I don't smoke or do any illegal drugs but that's because those things are super bad for you.