Kids

I have always wanted kids.  A whole mess of 'em.  I've said for years that I wanted 6.  I've also always known that I would adopt most if not all of those 6 kids.  (And before you ask, no I am not adopted.  No one in my immediate family is adopted.  It's just always been my heart to adopt.  And it just makes sense:  I want a kid, you have one you don't want.  I'll take him or her off your hands for you and I don't have to wreck my vagina.  But I digress...)  In college I dated a wonderful guy who also wanted kids.  We planned a future together.  Marriage, kids, house with a white picket fence, the whole nine yards.  So there I was, 23 years old happily dating my boyfriend of three years with whom I had a solid plan for the rest of my life.  I knew what I was going to do (be a lawyer and mom) where I was going to do it (South Carolina) and who I was going to do it with (Chip).  Then we broke up.  The how and why of that are complicated and honestly still painful so I'm going to skip over that.  The point is the relationship ended and there went my perfect boyfriend and my perfectly planned future.
My current awesome sauce boyfriend does not want children.  At all.  Doesn't even want to consider it.  This throws a tiny wrench into my 6 kids plan.  I know I'm only 24, I have plenty of time to build a family.  You don't have to marry everyone you date, I know that.  I know that there are perfectly happy couples out there who know for a fact that their different life plans are going to eventually end their relationship.  And they're okay with that.  They live and love in the moment.  And that's great.  Really, it is.  But it's just not for me.  I knew that if I was going to have any shot at a happy healthy relationship with Charles there had to be at least a chance that we could go the distance.  Which meant that I had to consider whether or not I would be willing to not have kids.
So I started to think about it.  Why did I want kids in the first place?  Would I be a good mom?  The answer to the first one is easy: kids are awesome.  That's just a fact, people.  When you talk to a child you get to see the world in a whole new awesome way.  Their innocence allows them to see the good in everything and everyone.  And their ability to see the good in everyone allows them to love you in a way that adults just can't.  The love of a child is such a precious thing.  My god brother, Ty, will drop what's he's doing, walk over to me and hug me saying "Annie, you're my best friend" for no apparent reason.  I want that in my life.  Also, kids are hilarious.  Before his bath last night, Ty danced around the bathroom singing "Country girl shake it for me, girl.  Shake it for me, girl.  Shake it for me!" while doing some incomprehensible wiggling dance.  It was hilarious.  And last weekend when we went to the beach, Payton (Our friend Linda's son) almost made me pee in my pants on the way home.  Ty called out to me from the backseat "Annie!  Payton licked his shoe!"  "Licked his shoe?"  I'm thinking...wtf?  I thought for sure Ty was just making up some nonsense to get Payton in trouble and to get to talk again because they had been bickering for the first few hours of the ride so I had told them both to not talk at all until we stopped for lunch (I figured it wouldn't lat but it was worth a shot).  I turn around and Payton has dirt allllll over his mouth.  His chin is covered.  It looks like he ate a chocolate ice cream cone.  He had licked the bottoms of his Spiderman flip flops completely clean.  When I asked him why he had done that he said "They were dirty" as if that was the most logical thing in the world, as if we all licked the bottoms of our shoes to clean them.  I thought I was going to die laughing.  Kids are unintentionally hilarious and bring joy into the lives of the people around them and that's pretty awesome.
The second question, will I be a good parent, gives me more pause.  I am not a patient woman.  I can also have a temper.  I got both of these qualities from my dad.  And while I love my dad dearly, I am also rather terrified of him.  He and I no longer have a relationship because anytime I express an opinion he disagrees with, anytime I'm not who he wants me to be, he completely loses it.  Just loses his shit and screams and rages and is so angry he eventually literally can't form coherent sentences.  There is never any resolution.  So I just stopped talking to him.  I do not want to be that kind of parent.  But the thing is, I don't think my dad wants to be that kind of parent either.  I think he just can't help it.  He is who he is and I am his daughter.  I know I have some of the qualities that make him that way (he's also fanatically religious which I am not).  Who will I be when my child makes a decision I don't agree with?  Will I rage and yell and effectively kill communication like my dad?  Or will I be able to talk to them and try to see their point of view the way my mom does?  Is it even okay for me to have kids when I can't answer that question?  If I know there's a 50/50 chance that I won't be so hot at this parenting thing, should I even be allowed to try it?  I don't know.
In all of this thinking I've concluded that I don't know anymore whether or not I want children.  I do know, however, that I want to make that decision myself.  I don't want to just defer to my partner's wishes.  I'm way too opinionated for that.
Most of you (if anyone has actually read this far) probably think that I shouldn't be worrying about this now, it's too early.  I still have 2 years of grad school to finish so I won't be having kids for at least that long.  And you're right.  But I can't wait until then to make up my mind.  When I come to that moment, the moment I can have kids if I want them, shouldn't I already have my mind made up?  Don't I need to know where I'm going to know how to get there?  I don't know.  When I was 6 and wanted to grow up to be a ballerina, I knew I would also be a mom.  In high school when I wanted to be a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon (ha!), I knew I would also be a mom.  At any given point in my past, past-me looked into the future and saw kids.  Saw mommyhood.  Now that I'm reconsidering that HUGE part of my future, I'm feeling unhinged.  I know I have direction.  I'm in law school for christ's sake, my career is chosen.  But I hate law school.  A lot.  If I could be wrong about the mommy thing, maybe I'm wrong about the lawyer thing too.  And if I'm wrong about both of those things then who the hell am I and where am I going?  I'm not sure I know anymore.  Is there a such thing as a mid-20s crisis?